The Girl Who Would Be King

Sometimes, Cas thinks of his vessel as himself and that scares him.

He’ll be midthought and go “My body” and have to correct himself. This was Jimmy’s body, whether Jimmy’s soul was still in there or not. It was never his body, not really.

Sometimes he wonders if these are really his emotions or if they’re remnants of Jimmy’s humanism. As Cas stares up at Dean, cheeks flushed, he wonders if his heart (no, Jimmy’s heart) was skipping beats because of the things Jimmy would feel if he was still around or if this was something entirely unique. He wonders if this is really the sensation Jimmy gets when touching Dean Winchester or if this is something entirely new.

Dean Winchester ties Jimmy’s stomach in knots when he looks at him. Do these knots belong to this body or to Castiel himself?

Castiel loves all things. It is God’s way. He was born loving all things, but for some reason, he loves Dean Winchester more than all things. He wonders if this is what humanity is, if somehow Jimmy’s body is influencing these thoughts. He remembers how some angels would lay with humans, but he never saw a reason to or even felt that desire before.

Is this his body talking or is this Castiel? The fingers he flexes, are those his fingers or Jimmy’s? He is forgetting where he begins and ends in this vessel. He wonders if Dean sees only this vessel and not the angel inside. When he thinks of Castiel, what does he think of?

Why do the thoughts of a single human matter so much?

He decides to talk to Sam about these doubts, since Dean’s responses would be evasion and anger.

“Am I still an angel?”

Sam laughs and says yes, but Cas is serious. He no longer feels like he belongs anywhere but snuggly inside this body. His home was heaven, but more and more, he thinks it’s in this body, and more than that, he thinks it’s beside the Winchesters.

He corners Dean after a night at the bar. Sam is still in the library, doing research for the latest hunt. Dean’s eyes show bewilderment as Cas presses a hand over Dean’s heart.

“Am I really touching you right now or is this Jimmy?”

Dean tries to shrug him off, but Cas presses the issue. Dean’s response is typical: “Dude, you sound like a chick.”

In his natural state, he is neither male or female.  Jimmy is a man. This makes him a man.

Cas shows up at a restaurant where Dean is finishing up his pie. Dean only briefly glances at him, cheeks flushed. Sam stares at him inquisitively.

“Do I really even hurt or is this only Jimmy’s pain?”

He reveals a gunshot wound that causes them to rush back to the hotel . Sam runs out to the store when all of the bandages are used. Dean sits quietly across from Cas.

“Angels don’t breathe. We don’t need to.”

“That’s nice, Cas.”

Cas huffs. He wants Dean to really listen to him this time, not just blow him off. “Why am I breathing right now? Is it my breath or this vessel’s breath?”

Dean finally looks Cas in the eyes, and Cas inhales sharply at what he sees in them. Dean closes the space between them and Cas all but trembles as Dean brushes his lips over his own.

“Now, tell me.  Was that you or just your vessel?”